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If the election was held today, Americans would be grateful that it’s finally over. I’m not sure who would win, but that’s not important anymore. We need to end this thing as quickly and quietly as possible. Just about everyone I know has tuned out. The ones who remain seem intent on voicing their opinions at the risk of voiding lifelong friendships. Families have been torn apart. Scores of people have been unfriended. This madness needs to stop. Lord, please make it stop. It seems like the silly season is beginning sooner and sooner every time we do this. Donald Trump was putting out feelers for a run in October 2010. Herman Cain formed an exploratory committee in January of 2011.The first Republican candidate debate was on May 5, 2011. From start to finish, the whole process will have eaten up more than two years. Entire wars have been fought in less time and with fewer casualties. We’ve had to listen to phrases like “legitimate rape” and “job creators”. We’ve examined birth certificates and tax returns. We’ve discussed the female anatomy in more detail than any of us ever got in health class. In the street, the nutcases were out in full regalia.
On the right, we were treated to the sight of tri-cornered hats dripping with tea bags. Most folks held badly spelled signs that ranted about socialism. Over on the left, clothing was optional. So, apparently, was bathing. Then there was the endless parade of gaffes. Mitt Romney took the lead on this one. After declaring that he understood the average American’s problems, he jumped on the back of his jet ski and rode it to London to watch his horse perform in the Olympics. During his trip overseas, he alienated the Palestinians, insulted England, and managed to create a full-throated security breach. Luckily we were distracted by his aide telling reporters to “shove it”. Mitt’s tax returns took center stage. In a flanking maneuver, Romney’s surrogates attempted to attack Obama over school records, but it didn’t catch fire. Most folks were too busy arguing over Chick-fil-A. The Republicans became greatly concerned, and rightly so. When a chicken sandwich gets more attention than your candidate, it’s time to get nervous.
Obama, bless his heart, avoided mentioning that the nation had 57 states. Instead, he mainly stuck with the teleprompter. When he improvised, it was only to sing Al Green. Even though he sang on key, he was tone deaf about his golf game. Mr. President, singing and playing golf is fine, but only if you’re Bing Crosby. His pandering this summer was mesmerizing. He was able to morph into any candidate like magic. In Ohio, he talked about “America”. In Virginia, he suddenly became southern and pronounced it “Amurica”. (I really hope he speaks next in front of Eskimos next time. Can’t wait to see what happens.) Joe Biden, meanwhile, acquitted himself like a classical Vice-President and napped frequently. While awake, he gave incoherent speeches and just wandered around aimlessly. Beltway insiders were beginning to question whether Uncle Joe’s mind had finally turned into a windswept vista of barley and thistle. Crazy Uncle Joe did manage to get off a few zingers. This certainly qualifies him for the center square in Hollywood Squares. However, it tends to make citizens of the republic a tad nervous. Nobody wants Paul Lynde to be a heartbeat away from the presidency.
On the right, Romney went to the bullpen and gave the nod to Paul Ryan, a man two sizes too small for his suit. I won’t comment on his politics, but I must say that his tailoring is abominable. Don’t look to the media for any relief either. According to Pew Research, Fox News runs 6 negative stories about Obama to 1 positive one. On MSNBC, the ratio of 6 to 1 is the same. The only difference is that Mitt Romney is the target. Meanwhile, over at CNN, John King will be happy to discuss all this with you by showing you a chart. The chart is interactive and he can expand and contract it like a Hoberman Sphere. If you get bored with that, he will show you a paint-by-numbers version that magically predicts the future by changing a red state to a blue one.
On Monday, a minor news story gets amplified and expanded to IMAX proportions on Reddit. Reaction is, invariably, knee-jerk and made even more hyperbolic by the egotistical nature of opportunists seeking power. The issue is dissected, charted, and emailed. After dissemination, it is obfuscated by talk radio. It gets counter-punched in the blogosphere. Someone creates a meme. Finally, we top all this off with an overindulgence of Red Bull. On Tuesday, we lather, rinse, and repeat. If you missed any portion of this, your Facebook friends are there to remind you why you should be outraged. You will also discover that the reasonable, loving, and intelligent people you’ve known all your life are, in fact, raving lunatics in need of immediate sedation. Don’t get me wrong, I love politics. I’m a policy wonk who actually stays up late on election night to find out how the congressional districts in Montana voted. But even I’m a bit overwhelmed this time around. So, I need to turn it off until November. The toxic smoke is too dangerous to breathe anymore. The funhouse mirrors are making me disoriented. It’s time to block it all out. From now on, I’m only going to watch adorable kittens and fluffy bunnies. It’ll be a welcome change. Frankly, I’m exhausted |
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Vote early and often!
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