Vocal Cheating

Many vocalists will spend time on exercises designed to help with breathing better. Others will spend countless hours practicing scales in order to increase their vocal range. Still others will wrack their brains memorizing the lyrics.

Sure, thats fine if you want to do it the RIGHT way. Frankly, most of us do this just for fun. Lets face it, practicing your craft takes away valuable time from worthwhile endeavors like eating hot wings and tapping the keg. Besides that, why work hard when you can cheat?

So, vocal coaches be damned! Lets ignore all the training techniques and focus more on the cheating aspects of vocalization...

1) Change the Key.
For example, Delilah is in the key of D, played on guitar with a capo on the second fret. Take off the capo, play it C. It sounds the same on the fretboard, but you get a break on the high notes.

2) Tune Down to D.
Standard guitar tuning is E,A,D,G,B,E. Tune it to D,G,C,F,A,D instead. The guitar sounds like Richie Havens is playing it and you get to bring everything down a tone.

(By the way, this is what I do when I play Dixieland banjo. Trumpet, trombone, clarinet, and tenor saxophone are all Bb instruments. They get to play in C, I don't have to blow out my voice, and everybody's happy.)

3) Choose Lazy Songs.
I recently jammed on some Who tunes with friends. The Song is Over goes up to high As, Bs, and Cs. Squeezebox is a heckuva lot easier. Guess which one I picked?

4) Ladies, Pick Something from the American Songbook.
If you choose I Will Always Love You, people will want you to sound like Whitney Houston. If you choose something like Pennies from Heaven, you can sing it fast, slow, or off key. Nobody seems to mind how you sound or who you sound like.

5) Gentlemen, Sing Brown Eyed Girl.
I dont care how badly you sing, this tune will always put you in good with the ladies.

6) Enthusiasm Over Accuracy.
The best way to hide bad singing is to jump around, shout or speak the words, and put on a show. Flashy costumes help. Sex sells.

7) Make Subtle Excuses.
"I'm sorry, can we bring my vocals up in the wedges? I'm having trouble hearing myself."

8) Use Distraction.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this next song features our bass player, Joe Funkelstein!" Throughout the tune, keep pointing to Joe. Punctuate it with, "Isn't he great?"

9) Sing in Unison.
Singing in unison with another band mate hides a lot of mistakes. The vocals sound stronger and you can always blame the other guy for a bad note.

10) Use Effects.
Reverb is the Botox of vocalization. (Some people use delay or echo.) It wont hide a badly hit note, but it will take out the wrinkles and make you look younger.

11) Let the Backing Singers Do the Work.
Let them take the melody while you do runs and fills. Even BAD runs and fills get applause because people think youre being jazzy and hip.

12) Get the Audience to Sing Along.
If they're singing along with you, they'll be listening to themselves instead of how bad you are.

13) Flirt and Flatter.
Keep in mind, theyre not just a good crowd. They're "the best crowd I've ever had and I mean that! I wish I could take you home with me!"

14) Keep the Lyrics in Front of You.
Youve got two choices: Use a music stand or tape keywords to the floor. When you dont really know the lyrics, youll need a music stand. If you have to use one, keep it low and off to the side as if you dont need it. (Youll look cooler that way.) If you SORT OF know the lyrics and just need some prompting, the other option is to use white paper and a black sharpie. Duct tape it to the floor behind the monitor. It doesnt look like a cheat sheet, it looks like a set list.

15) Forgot the Words? Do a Monologue to Gain Sympathy.
After flubbing the lyrics, say this:
"Sorry, its just that whenever I sing this song, I can't help but think about a dear member of the family we lost a few years back, our dog, Sparky."