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Regrets, I’ve Had a Few…  Now that I’m turning fifty, I feel it is time to take a moment and reflect upon some of the stupid things I’ve done in life. So, here are some life lessons I pass on to you.    There is nothing more embarrassing than having a mouthful of food and then hearing your host say, “Let us pray”. Remove all locks on the bathroom doors if you have small children. Option #2: Remove all locks on the bathroom windows and keep a ladder handy. You may someday lose a small child in an amusement park. Everyone will think that you are a bad parent with the exception of other parents who have likewise lost small children in an amusement park.   Whenever possible, do not use a revolving door. Innocently, I once asked, “Is that a shark or a dolphin?” Never ask this question on a crowded beach. Always ignore the fact that you just accidentally spit on someone. It never happened. You hear me? It NEVER happened. As long as alcohol exists, there is no such thing as a secret. No matter how well you think you have mastered a second language, you will still order a rabbit for dessert.  After the bride cuts the cake, it is a good time to stop drinking. Always face forward when riding an escalator. If you wear white underwear under navy blue slacks, everyone will notice when your pants get ripped from your crotch to your waist. Navy blue underwear will mitigate the impact of this. Food from a street vendor always carries an element of risk. When the doctor says, “Turn your head and cough”, you should cough AWAY from the doctor’s face. Subvert your ego. You are not smart enough to get out of jury duty. Always bring a book with you to jury duty. Repeat after me, “Oh what a beautiful baby!”   Never be rude to the drunkard at the bar who is telling you his life story. Smile politely. He is a psychopath.  And finally,  Never ask a woman, “So, when are you due?” unless you are absolutely, positively certain that she is pregnant.